Previous: Part IV

Copyright © 2025 Janilse Elizabeth

Breathe, Sierra. Breathe, I say to myself. The fact I have to remind myself of that leaves barely any time to think about running away. Each of his daunting steps is a reminder to take a breath.

‘’Sierra, can we talk?’’ Seth asks, now standing before me.

I stay glued to the floor, unable to move a muscle.

‘’Somewhere private?’’ he says.

Both Bianca and Hudson move forward. Her eyes are fixed on me while Hudson’s don’t leave Seth—both of them on edge.

I feel cold even though I’m next to a pit of fire, and I wonder if I have died after all.

‘’What do you want?’’ I say. It’s all I give him, still unmoving.

‘’I went to your dorm, but you weren’t there. I even called you a bunch of times. I think I forgot something in your room.’’ Seth has a cocky grin on his face.

It didn't take long to pack my suitcase before I went to Bianca’s house that day.

I hardly glanced around the room, but I doubt Seth left something important if it took him this long to realize it.

‘’You should take it as a hint. I don’t want to talk to you, Seth.’’ I force myself to say his name. ‘’How did you even find me here?’’

Seth scoffs. ‘’What, did you think I could delete you off all of my apps just like that?’’ he says, snapping his fingers.

‘’Find my friends? Really?’’ I say, though I should have known. Old habits die hard.

‘’Way to add to the creep factor,’’ Bianca chimes in from behind me.

He ignores Bianca, his eyebrows knitting together in (fake) concern as if what he is about to say is sensitive. It’s his excuse to walk closer to me, lowering his voice.

I feel Bianca, Hudson, Scott and Evan all inch closer, too.

‘’I just wanted to talk, and you broke up with me,’’ Seth spits. ‘’I don’t know why you have to be such a bitch about it.’’

His words feel like a slap in the face. This is the point where I have to admit, some part of me just wanted him to say sorry. For him to admit that he’d made a mistake, and maybe we could fix it all. I don’t realize what’s true until it isn’t anymore.

I have to fight the instinctive urge to take a step back. I feel sick and foolish and ashamed. But it also ignites something in me. I have to accept that everything has indeed gone to shit, and I’m left to pick up my own pieces. More so, if he’s the one who broke me, I at least want to get a swing in. Or two.

So I don’t blink when I say, ‘’You know what you did to me.’’

My ex-boyfriend shakes his head at me ever so slightly.

What he says next will never ever not play in the lowlight reel in my mind.

‘’I honestly didn’t think it was that big of a deal,’’ he says.

Darkness is quick to surround me when I feel everything slip away.

The people around us. The bonfire behind Seth. The ground under my feet. They’re all gone. I realize all of the over-thinking in the world couldn’t have prepared me for this confrontation.

I might not ever know if he means it or if he said it just to hurt me. All I can do is make sure he knows what I think of him. And I have to make sure I am crystal clear.

Taking an unflinching step forward, I poke my finger right into his chest.

‘’You truly are a disgusting piece of shit, Seth. And I don’t give a fuck about what you think. You were there. I was there and you know what the fuck you did.’’

I take an angry breath as I remove my finger from his chest and take a step back, bumping into something behind me. But I don't want to break eye contact with Seth.

He does break eye contact to look at whatever is behind me.

‘’Don’t look at me, look at her.’’ I hear Hudson say from behind me.

‘’Do you think you can completely avoid me around campus?’’ Seth huffs but takes the tiniest step back. I imagine he’s scared I’ll push him into the flames. Chances are slim, but they’re not zero.

‘’If you think I’m staying there, you must be brain dead,’’ I deadpan.

‘’So what the fuck do you want,’’ Seth says, and I know the shimmer in his eyes—something I’ve known but failed to acknowledge.

Hudson steps out from behind me. My eyes don’t leave Seth’s face even though I so desperately never want to look at him again.

‘’The last year has been a slow process of me growing more disgusted with you. I hate you for putting me through that,’’ I say, seeing the muscles in Seth’s face pull.

‘’I don’t want you to talk about me, don’t look at me, don’t even think about me.’’ My fists are balled at my sides because I just might poke him again. Or worse.

‘’You expect me to cross the road if I see you walking in town?’’ Seth chuckles, and I can’t believe the balls on this boy.

‘’Yup,’’ Hudson chimes in, ‘’that’s exactly what she means.’’

Seth throws him a glare. ‘’I should’ve known you’d run to him.’’

‘’Just fuck off, Seth!’’ Bianca says. I know that if there’s anyone who’s itching to punch him in the face, it’s my best friend. Her feelings toward Seth have never been hidden, but she should be the one to tell you about that.

‘’Shut up, Collins. I never liked you,’’ are the actual words that leave Seth’s mouth. He delivers them with venom and pinched eyes.

I square back up and feel as if I stand even taller than before.

‘’If there wasn’t a problem before, we’re going to have a real problem right fucking now.’’

The words leave my mouth, sounding as certain as I knew they would.

‘’You will never speak to her like that again. Actually, don’t speak to her at all.’’

Seth’s hands shoot up in mock offense, his eyes gliding from me over to Hudson and Bianca.

‘’Fine,’’ he says, starting to walk away—muttering something under his breath. His shoulder bumps into Bianca, making her wobble a bit. It’s a fucking low blow. Such a low blow, in fact, that Hudson and Scott start to go after him, but Evan steps in their way.

‘’You’d kill him. That’s not good,’’ he says, and it seems to work.

Nothing else registers until Bianca pulls me into a tight hug. ‘’I’m so proud of you!’’ she says, sounding kind of shocked.

I am in shock. A tear rolls down my cheek, and Hudson—who is now at my other side ducks down his head.

‘’Are you okay?’’ he asks softly.

I feel neither hot nor cold. No need to cry more than a single tear, yet I can’t seem to form a smile.

It hurts, like my skin has been stripped off my body—or as if my heart is being thrown off the Eiffel Tower. Like the broken pieces of me have been handed back, only I forgot to wear gloves to protect me from their sharpened edges.

But at least I can start trying to put myself back together.

I shake my head at my friends. Because I’m not okay.

But I’m starting to feel like I will be.

Author’s note: thank you (times a million) if you’ve read Sierra’s story. Loved it? Hated it? Please let me know in the comments.

Previous: Part III

Copyright © 2025 Janilse Elizabeth

Hudson catches up to me as I’m walking down the basement stairs, two steps at a time.

Once we’ve reached the bottom, I feel him search for my eyes and finally meet him, followed by a curt smile. He returns the smile, but his eyebrows are knitted together. Scott announces it’s time to go since it’s already getting late. Of course, not before we load up our tanks with some more kerosene.

We gather our stuff, chaotically so, and I make sure to drink some water before we head out.

We walk through town and plan to continue through the park. Bianca is on my right side. I am silent, focused on my breathing. Too focused because I stumble into Hudson’s shoulder on my left.

He licks his lips as he looks at me. ‘’You okay?’’

Bianca is instantly alerted.
I glance from Hudson to Bee. ‘’I’m fine.’’

Bianca now looks from me to Hudson.
‘’Sierra, are you hungry?’’ She asks. ‘’You sound hungry.’’

I breathe in, ready to sigh and protest, but ‘’Maybe I’m a little hungry, yes,’’ is what I say.

The burgers and fries we devour on the terrace of SnackStop bring me and everyone else back to life. Especially Amy, who looked like she was falling asleep before we even left Scott’s. Will offered to take her home, but she was adamant about sticking it out.

‘’Has anyone got more fries?’’ Amy now asks, clearly on a mission.

I’m stuffed after a double cheeseburger, so I offer her mine. She takes them eagerly and starts dipping them into Alexander’s ketchup without asking. He is too busy talking with Scott to notice anyway.

‘’That makes me wildly uncomfortable,’’ Scott says loudly while pulling a sour face.

‘’It’s a dance move!’’ Alexander says exasperatedly.

Scott shakes his head. ‘’Brother, I can not for the life of me explain in words what you just did.’’

I can. It looked like he was doing an impression of a kangaroo pretending to be a gorilla. I can’t help admiring them, even as I laugh at them.

Glancing over at Hudson, I see his eyes are trained on his lap.

‘’Are you okay?’’ Bianca says.

‘’Yeah,’’ I say with a little shrug. A small smile forms on my face.

‘’Maybe even having fun?’’ my best friend suggests, shimmying her shoulders, making the smile on my face spread like an oil spill. This makes me shaking my head strikingly less believable.

‘’Hudson asked if… He was coming,’’ I say while leaning in, confident that Bianca doesn’t need more context.

‘’And?’’ She presses, eyebrows all the way up.

‘’I told him we broke up,’’ I say.

Bianca nods proudly. ‘’What did he say?’’

‘’He said quote, fuck, unquote.’’

‘’It does summarize the situation perfectly,’’ says Bianca.

‘’What if-’’ I start, but Bianca doesn’t let me finish.

‘’No more what-ifs, Sierra.’’ Her words cut through me like a knife.

‘’I know you have been stuck in that pretty little head of yours for the past two weeks. Hudson is your friend; talk to him.’’

Hudson is your friend. Talk to him.

Hudson isn’t my friend because of the context I’ve placed him in, or rather had to place him in. I suddenly feel scared of the thought. I don’t want to think about it again, just in case anyone else can hear it. I scan the terrace and see Scott is looking at me. His eyes flit to Hudson.

My eyes follow.

Hudson’s eyes are on me.

I offer him a smile, and he smiles back.

But again, it stops before reaching his eyes.

‘’Drunk people, assemble!’’ Scott says, clapping his hands twice. ‘’We should get going.’’

Hudson wanders over to me, all smiles in a way that is both wary and mischievous, his hands buried in his body warmer. ‘’Actually, I was considering having another smoke,’’ he starts, eyebrows rising as he speaks. We could have another cigarette on the way, but then I notice what he is holding. Another type of smoking.

‘’If you want,’’ he adds.

I narrow my eyes at him, still feeling a stupid smile appear despite myself. A piece of gossip I had already been able to verify myself way back when.

It might even be the reason we became friends in the first place.

I look at Bianca. ‘’We could meet back up at the party,’’ she says, ‘’unless you want me to come?’’

‘’No, at the party is fine,’’ I say.

‘’Okay, just… be careful.’’ Bianca says, looking at Hudson without actually looking at him.

I raise my eyebrows at her and grin because didn’t she say he would be the perfect rebound?

Hudson and I walk a bit into the park with Scott, Bianca, and the rest before we choose our spot. The children’s playground is always the right choice. It’s just far enough away from the road. Calm down. It’s late Friday night, and we’ll be sure to remove any waste.

‘’Would you like to do the honors?’’ Hudson asks, holding out both the joint and a lighter.

I eagerly accept, taking two deep puffs before handing it back.

Hudson takes a deep breath before he takes a hit.

‘’I’m happy you came out,’’ he says.

‘’Me too,’’ I say.

‘’But I also wanted to say, I’m… sorry.’’

‘’Thanks, but what could you possibly have to be sorry for?’’ A small laugh escapes me.

I look at him, not sure if my confusion comes through the veil of darkness that separates us. His head is still, eyebrows serious.

‘’I don’t know if you even remember. One night we had a smoke before Seth came to pick you up… The way he spoke to you, that wasn’t fucking okay,’’ Hudson says. I flinch at His name and hope Hudson doesn’t notice.

I think back to that day.

I remember smiling. I still had all of my pieces together. Or at least some of them?

Long after Seth had virtually bought me an entire new wardrobe, just before transferring to Sterling started to come up. I wanted to go out but Seth was being a dick about it — so I went anyway. Bianca and I gave tequila another try (never again); Seth was blowing up my phone, so I decided, okay, he could come pick me up at midnight. I was smoking a cigarette because old habits die harder than my phone’s battery.

I was outside with Hudson and his crooked smile. He has a habit of looking at people in a way. As if there’s a secret between you and him — something hilarious no one except the two of you know about. He looked at me like that. I took a drag from my cigarette and looked away.

I remember not smiling. He’d parked his car like he was going to rob the place.

‘’Why the fuck is your phone off?’’ He shouted in a way that could not ever be mistaken for concern.

But then he saw Hudson.

‘’I thought you were with Bianca,’’ he said.

‘’She’s inside with the others, I-’’ I started explaining, but Seth cut me off.

‘’I’m not playing your games. Get in the fucking car,’’ Seth said, not giving Hudson another glance before turning and walking away.

I tried to play it off with a smile and a shrug because, you know. Relationships.

Sometimes, people get mad.

Sometimes, people get jealous.

Sometimes, people raise their voices. Often, I got the silent treatment.

I wonder if he plays memories over and over in his head as I do with mine.

I hope he doesn’t just play the bad ones like I do.

Hudson couldn’t be my friend. In the context of my boyfriend, Hudson became just a boy. Impossible to consider a friend.

‘’It feels like I’ve been brainwashed,’’ I say.

It may be the first real feeling I have been able to voice out loud. To my friend, who is still here after everything.

‘’You broke up with him,’’ Hudson concludes. Do I hear something proud in his voice?

It’s too dark to see it on his face, if it’s even there.

‘’What made you see the light?’’ he asks, undoubtedly trying to keep things positive.

I have spent most of my time thinking about Seth’s narrative. The context in which he placed my life. Examining the relationship, so I could try and forget the actual break-up. In my case, it was more of a rude awakening. I hadn’t been happy long before I transferred to Sterling.

Bianca has been the best friend I could hope for. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, she said, along with you have nothing to be ashamed of.

In my narrative, Hudson is my friend, and I want him to hear my side of the story.

I take a deep breath, my heart pounding in my ears.

‘’Do you know what stealthing is?’’ I ask him, looking anywhere but his face.

‘’I do not…’’ Hudson answers.

I want to look at him, but I can’t. Even the darkest shadows aren’t enough to hide the shame I don’t want to be feeling, so I start making my mouth form the words before I can think twice about it.

‘’I caught him taking the condom off during sex.’’

It’s quiet. Too still for too long, and the memory comes to me even though I don’t want it to.

Not quite a memory. More like a highlight reel. Lowlight reel?

We’d had conversations about it. I wasn’t comfortable having sex without a condom because I’d rather be extra safe. I’d made it to college child-free and wasn’t about to fumble it now. Seth kept pressing.

‘’Condoms are expensive.’’ Well, so are kids.

‘’It kills the mood.’’ It does.

‘’Sex is just not the same with a condom on.’’ Something I, as a woman, will never experience in that way. He had me there, but I stood my ground.

The evening we broke up, he came to my dorm room. He brought over a dress for a party we’d never go to. I didn’t try it on in front of him because, at this point, I knew better than to do that. He lay down next to me in my bed. I remember thinking Gosh, I’m tired. But I was also tired yesterday. And the day before that. And the week before that. I’ll be tired tomorrow. I’ll be tired forever. His hands started wandering my body — clothes were coming off.

He grabbed a condom and put it on. We switched positions, and I saw him take it off, but it registered too late. I told him to stop, but he didn’t want to.

‘’The condom is off,’’ I said, thinking he must not understand. Not that there should be a misunderstanding about the word stop.

‘’Just wait, I’m almost there,’’ he replied.

Then there was panic. I screamed at Seth to stop. He must’ve been spooked because he did stop then. Without lowering my voice, I screamed at him to get out. He looked at me incredulously and then looked down at himself. As if I gave a shit that he was naked.

‘’That’s fucking crazy that he did that,’’ Hudson growls. He’s… perplexed?

Bianca didn’t think I was overreacting. Hudson doesn’t think I’m overreacting. Maybe that’s a sign I’m not crazy.

‘’So, you’re transferring back, right?’’ Hudson asks.

This topic has simultaneously been at the top and bottom of my list.

‘’Since I was stupid enough to transfer there in the first place, maybe I should stay for a while,’’ I say and feel Hudson shifting on the bench beside me.

‘’Sierra, do you hear what you’re saying?’’ He says. ‘’You didn’t make a mistake. He did. Before you know it, you’re stuck there through the spring semester.’’

I think back to earlier today in the car with Bianca and our conversation at the Barrel. She did seem more urgent than the past few weeks, and I was just worried she was getting sick of me living with her, which still might also be true. What is also true is that she tried to give me all the time in the world to sort out what I do and do not want to tell people.

All I know is that I appreciate that my best friend didn’t want to put the pressure of a transfer window on me right now. And I’m grateful Hudson is doing just that.

Because even if I was stuck at Sterling until graduation, Bianca would be by my side for all of it, and I decided I couldn’t ask that of her.

With a million questions still hanging in the air around us, Hudson and I make our way through the park, up to the line where the woods start. It takes us less than ten minutes to get to the skate park. I beeline over to my best friend with a smile plastered on my face.

Bianca must see it on my face because she lets her shoulders relax and smiles at me more genuinely. Without a coat of sadness.

‘’Hypothetically, would you help me move back?’’ I ask her.

‘’Of course!’’ Bianca exclaims, throwing her arms around me. ‘’I’ll also be there when you tell your parents. They love me.’’

My parents do love Bianca. They feel secure knowing I have a friend like her. I push away the thought of letting them down and focus on now.

The air around the park smells of burnt wood and cheap beer. It smells like before.

Across from the park is a fire pit much like the one I sat on this morning. Summit Grove is littered with them. People in this town love a bonfire.

It doesn’t take long for my eyes to seek out Hudson again. He’s started up a conversation with Scott by the bonfire, only Scott isn’t looking at him. His eyes are on me, and he toasts me with his red cup. I return the gesture, which might seem small, but it gives me a feeling I can’t explain. Like, I’m no longer living parallel to everyone else.

Evan, Amy, and Will are joining us again. I have no clue what happened to Alexander. Tonight’s music setup is a JBL PartyBox Club 120. It plays techno music, which reminds me of earlier today. People I do and don’t recognize are scattered around the bonfire. And I just know there are people getting freaky behind some (most) of these overgrown ramps. Scott brought a backpack with drinks for all of us. The temperature has significantly dropped, so we get our drinks and go over to the bonfire. Scott hands me his hip flask, or should I call it a jerry can? We dance, laugh, and spill our drinks, get more drinks — which for me often results in more smoking.

I open my purse to get out my pack, but what catches my eye is my phone.

I haven’t checked it in a while. There’s probably nothing worth checking out, but what if there is?

The screen lights up, and I see missed calls from the last person I want to talk to.

I’m not sure if my heart is beating that fast or not beating at all.

When I look up, he’s on the other side of the field, staring straight at me.

Next: Part V

Author’s note: thank you so much for reading Part IV! Loved it? Hated it? Let me know in the comments. Fifth and final part coming tomorrow!

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Previous: Part II

Copyright © 2025 Janilse Elizabeth

Hudson returns with three drinks, his poison of choice a Talisker Storm.

Even though there is plenty of space next to Bianca or me, he pulls up a chair and sits at the head of our booth.

‘’So, which song are you singing?’’ Hudson asks, a bemused expression on his face, like he has to see it to believe it.

I shrug because there will be no performance tonight. At least not by me. But those freshmen are on a roll. Applause.

‘’We have to load her up first,’’ Bianca explains.

‘’Ha! Well, I’d love to stick around for that,’’ Hudson says, taking a sip of his whiskey. His eyes move from Bianca to me, and I feel the heat of his gaze linger.

‘’So, whose apartment are you setting on fire tonight?’’ Bianca asks him.

The casual implication of arson is sponsored by the Summit Grove Grapevine. It’s just something we, among other people, say to him—we don’t even know where it came from. Supposedly, it’s something he did when he was still in high school.

Hudson sniffs a laugh. Is he used to this? Does it bother him at all?

‘’We’re heading to Scott’s, but we’ll move outside before anything gets too heated,’’ Hudson says with a quick wink before his eyes dart over to me again.

‘’You’ve been to the skate park, right?’’ he asks.

I know the location. The name does not do the place justice anymore. It was a skate park in some distant past, I’m sure. Maybe even still when Hudson was a toddler, but ramps and rails have long been reclaimed by the woods surrounding it.

‘’Sounds like fun,’’ I say, trying to make it sound like that’s what I think.

Bianca hums in agreement while sipping on her drink.

‘’Cool, you should come with,’’ Hudson offers. Bianca looks at me, smiling from ear to ear. And while I trust her with my life, I don’t trust her agenda.

Lucky for me, a boy with a blond buzz cut makes his way to our booth. I look up at him expectantly.

He introduces himself as Evan Gomez, greets Hudson, and takes a seat next to Bianca. She has seen him in here before, working his shift at the bar, but I don’t recognize him. Clearly, a lot can happen in ten months. Evan talks about the worst guest he’s ever had to serve, which happened to be today.

‘’She kept snapping her fingers at me and hissing like I was some kind of dog in training. I was surprised she didn’t command me to play dead,’’ he says.

Back home in Michigan, I worked in our local restaurant. Hospitality work isn’t for the weak.

Bianca rattles on about a patient whose sink they had to tape shut to prevent them from drinking water; they were on fluid restriction.

The topic of conversation inevitably steers toward school and the events Summit has planned in the coming months. I am quietly listening and smiling when I need to, feeling weirdly disconnected from it all. Like my life is one line and theirs is another, parallel, never touching.

I know what they’re talking about, but I don’t. I’ve been to a courtyard concert, but not this year.

I glance over to Hudson, who has also gone mute. Our eyes meet—out of habit, I crack a smile. He doesn’t smile back before announcing it’s time to go.

We exit the bar and walk over to Scott’s house, which takes us less than fifteen minutes. In my mind, I reprimand the sun for making the cool night air sticky. I remember Hudson and Scott being joined at the hip. It’s good to see that still seems to be true. Scott also grew up in town and has an entire house to himself. His parents wanted to travel and left Scott the house since he’d be staying in town for college. I believe they’re currently living on a sailboat in Greece. How cool is that?

Scott opens the door and greets everyone. I’m the last one in line, and he looks surprised to see me. But the hug he gives me doesn’t indicate surprise at all. Scott gives the best hugs—firm, but not suffocating. I walk through the living room to the kitchen and gingerly step down the basement stairs. I see Scott’s basement has gotten the long-overdue college upgrade: bean bags and a refrigerator full of cold beer. The racing station hooked to a PlayStation was already there. In the back, there’s a seating pit. I’m relieved to see there are no pictures of half-naked women on the walls.

However, I have yet to see the possible upgrades of the bathroom.

Hudson goes over to Scott, so I head in the opposite direction; the seating pit.

‘’Drink?’’ Bianca mouths.

I shrug and nod. Bianca’s head disappears into the fridge.

‘’Hm, Scott, is there anything other than beer?’’

‘’Right this way,’’ Scott says, escorting Bianca back up the basement stairs.

Moments later, Bee and Scott return with three other people trailing behind them. A girl named Amy introduces herself and her boyfriend, Will.

I’ve seen them around the Summit campus before. Amy is a theater major, and Will is in the nursing program with Bianca. The third person is named Alexander… I think. Hudson traps Will and Alexander in a racing tournament. Amy heads over to the table next to the fridge, where Scott and Bianca are preparing… something I’m better off not knowing.
Evan jumps into the seating pit and strolls over to me. He casually sits down a few inches from me, handing me a beer. I take it, even though I’m not in the mood for beer. Then Evan takes a swig and looks me up and down.

‘’So, Sierra, how do you know Bianca and Hudson?’’ Evan asks. The bass of his voice surprises me every time he speaks.

I press myself even deeper into the couch, hoping I’ll disappear between its pillows.

‘’I met them when we were freshmen,’’ I say.

‘’Huh,’’ Evan chuckles. ‘’That’s funny, I haven’t seen you around campus before, what’s your major?’’

I take a deep breath and say ‘’Education, I want to be a teacher.’’

I love teaching, so it made sense for me to pick an education major. Sterling is more academically oriented. Summit College is a community college with a strong emphasis on community. I put in volunteer hours at the local elementary school and offered high school-level tutoring online. Emphasis on ‘volunteer’. Sterling’s paid (!) trainee programs were His first contention in getting me to transfer there. Once upon a time, transferring to Sterling had made some kind of sense.

Evan smiles, bearing his very straight, insanely white teeth.

His buzz cut compliments his pretty skull. Very default skull-like.

I don’t know what else to tell Evan. It’s hard enough to talk around these topics, but it starts to feel like I’m lying. Our conversation is cut short when Scott says Shots! and makes his way into the seating pit.

Scott is holding a tray of multi-colored shot cups. I eagerly take not one, but two shots off the tray. I inspect the cup, but the liquid is clear—the smell suspiciously nonexistent.

I look at Scott, who shrugs innocently.

The moment the liquid enters, my esophagus gets scorched, and I need to suppress a gag.

‘’What the fuck is this?’’ I ask, shuddering.

‘’He calls it ‘kerosene,’’’ Evan explains, air quotes included.

I look at Scott, and his eyebrows are up, feigning innocence.

‘’A magician never reveals his secrets,’’ he says, a shit-eating grin on his face.

‘’But if there’s anything you want to forget, this will do the trick,’’ he adds, holding the tray out to me. I debate putting the second shot back.

‘’This will give me early onset Alzheimer’s,’’ I say, giving Scott a tight-lipped smile, holding onto the other cup nonetheless.

I look at Evan as he chuckles, and I smile back before making my way out of the pit.

Bianca is still pulling a face when I approach her, another shot in her hand. Most of the time, we share a brain—or at least, we share a brain cell.

We toast with our poison.

‘’I understand why he calls it kerosene,’’ I tell Bianca, shuddering once more. She pulls a face, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. I walk past her to my purse. I know she has caught on when she pulls her face differently. It’s a habit Bianca and I don’t share: smoking.

‘’Don’t look at us like that, Bee.’’ I hear and turn back around to see an unlit cigarette hanging from Hudson’s mouth.

‘’Blame Big Tobacco,’’ I add when we are far enough away that I don’t have to hear Bianca yelling out statistics at me.

‘’Old habits die hard, huh?’’ Hudson says as I put a Pall Mall in my mouth.

I offer him a smile. ‘’They do.’’

Even He couldn’t make me quit smoking. It was a craving stronger than the need to please him. Perhaps the only one.

Hudson blazes his lighter for me. I’m unsteadier than I’d like to admit. But I need to when I grab onto Hudson’s wrist to help light my cigarette at the start instead of the middle. He is so close that I feel the pull of his low chuckle, making me flinch before looking up. I shouldn’t focus on the green of his eyes. I choose his mouth instead—he’s smiling ever so slightly.

I know his eyes are not.

They’re serious and piercing. My hand jerks back as if he’s on fire.

‘’You okay?’’ Hudson asks, breaking the silence before I have decided if it is awkward or peaceful.

‘’Yeah,’’ I say without thinking about it.

Hudson nods. Then he regards me for a moment.

‘’Is Seth coming out later, too?’’

I die right here and now. My body explodes, leaving traces of myself all over Scott’s porch and Hudson’s body. Pieces of my intestines knock the cigarette out of Hudson’s mouth, and he’s forced to close his evergreen eyes at the horror.

Only that doesn’t really happen, and Hudson just frowns a bit at the stretching silence.

I force myself to swallow the lump in my throat and will the terror down with it.

‘’We broke up,’’ is all I can say. Breathe, Sierra. Breathe.

Hudson’s eyes grow wide, seemingly against his will, and he opens his mouth, but no words come out. When words finally do come, he says ‘’Fuck’’.

It comes out as if it has been stuck in his throat for a while, and somehow, it perfectly summarizes the essence of my break-up. I nod and must have been inhaling my cigarette too deeply because I feel a little dizzy.

I stub out the butt and turn back inside the house without another word.

Next: Part IV

Author’s note: thank you so much for reading Part III! Loved it? Hated it? Let me know in the comments. Part IV drops Thursday May 1st, the fifth and final part May 2nd!

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Previous: Part I

Copyright © 2025 Janilse Elizabeth

I am back in my dorm room. Not my cozy one at Summit, but my lonely tower at Sterling.

It’s the third week of junior year.

‘’Look what I picked up this afternoon,’’ He said, hanging a dark brown ruffled dress over my closet door. ‘’I’ve made dinner reservations at Le Journal before the party.’’

‘’That’s nice,’’ I said, lying safely under the covers of my bed, the duvet pulled up to my chin. ‘’I’ll try it on later, kay?’’ By then, I knew better than to try on things in front of Him.

With every gift, the clothes became less my style and less my size.

Two things I’d rather cry about in solitude. My dorm at Sterling is a single, which should have been great. Your boyfriend can stay over as much as you want!

Only with classes and everything, it felt like I was spending even less time with Him than when I was at Summit last year. No more picnics or spontaneous bowling tournaments. The students I’d tutored passed their exams, and I hadn’t taken on any new ones.

Most nights when I’d see Bianca, she came up to Sterling because I own neither a car nor a driver's license. Add that to the list of goals and aspirations of my previous self. Bee seemed uneasy when she came to visit me. Perhaps that was because He could barge into my room at any given moment. Regardless, she dutifully came by at least once a week. Every time she’d leave, I’d want to cry. I never did.

Not when she was around because that meant I’d have to admit that I had made a mistake. Now, the broken fragments of all of our hearts were on the floor, and I didn’t know which ones were mine. Maybe that’s why, sometimes, you need someone else to pick up the pieces.

We sit in the parking lot for some time, Bianca hugging me while I cry. I’m not fighting the affection anymore. I’m tired. Tired of being angry and sick of feeling alone. When my tears dry up, Bianca drives us back to her apartment, and I head straight for the bathroom—ignoring my still unpacked suitcase in the corner of the hallway. I undress and run the shower cold. I’m still shaking, but at least now it’s because I’m freezing.

It’s only after I’m finished drying myself off that my breathing steadies.

When I exit the bathroom, wrapped in my towel, Bianca is sitting on her bed. It’s big enough to fit both of us. We rarely sleep in the same bed when I stay over because Bianca snores (which she’ll never admit to). However, it’s perfect for movie marathons on a rainy day—of which there have been plenty. The TV in her room is even bigger than the one in the living room. Also, Bianca is very organized. No clothes litter the floor, her shoes neatly stacked in a shoe rack. Her collection outgrew the storage, so she has to stash some under her bed, which I know she hates.

‘’You okay?’’ she asks softly. I shrug and shake my head while walking over to the bed.

I sit down in the clammy towel, and she hugs me again. I rest my chin on her shoulder, shifting my weight, leaning into her.

‘’I’m not saying you should move on, Sie. But you have to move forward,’’ Bianca continues as she releases me.

She looks at me with a serious face. ‘’I’m worried about you.’’

‘’How can I move forward from this?’’ I ask ‘’He’s already out doing body shots.’’ And I’m hiding at my best friend’s house. I’m a loser. Pathetic.

‘’Sierra, you’re not. Don’t ever say that again,’’ Bianca says sharply.

I’m guessing I said that out loud. My inside thoughts hardly ever stay inside around Bianca.

I feel a pinch in my chest.

‘’Fuck him if he wants to stick his tongue into someone’s infected bellybutton. I saw that piercing and… never mind. As long as he leaves you alone, that’s what matters,’’ Bianca says.

He is leaving me alone. No, He just left me. It feels like my life is in limbo. Do I even care how he uses his tongue?

‘’What will people think?’’ I ask.

‘’Sie, I’m sure the people we actually know don’t give a shit about Him or his narrative.’’

We sigh at the exact same time.

‘’I won’t let you lock yourself up to cry the rest of the day. Honestly, I don’t think it’ll do you any good,’’ Bee continues.

‘’What do you think I should do?’’ I ask with way (way) less attitude than this morning. Because if I should trust anyone at this point, it’s my best friend.

At this moment, I think I trust her more than I do myself.

‘’I am happy to have my best friend back,’’ she says, grabbing my hands in hers. ‘’And I would love to go out with my best friend on a Friday night.’’

I smile because she’s played it well. And Bianca knows it by my look. We’re going out.

‘’Besides, anything he can do,’’ she adds ‘’we can do better.’’

We get ready to a playlist Bianca’s been curating since freshman year. It has grown to be our pre-game holy grail, always accompanied by memories of dancing like nobody’s watching and laughing until our knees go weak.

Sadly, the perpetual darkening in my eyes hasn’t lifted, but by the time our make-up is done, Bee and I are both shaking our asses. Bianca chooses my outfit. I’m wearing tight black denim pants and a baby tee she’s freshly added to her collection (another collection that is getting out of hand). I wanted to wear one that reads I am never wrong, actually.

However, given my recent history of being not right (her words), Bianca gave me a side-eye.

She wanted me to wear the I heart making boys cry one, but I vetoed that.

At last, we decided that I should wear the black one with five stick-figure girls in a circle surrounding a boy in a coffin. The letters below read ‘GIRL POWER’ in bright pink letters.

Bianca is wearing bell bottoms and a black halter top. We don’t talk about shoes. They’re shoes designated for going out; that’s all you need to know. My hair is still in a bun, a bit less unhinged.

Bianca suggests we go to the Barrel like we used to.

I say okay.

The Barrel is one of the bars most locals go to. It’s kind of hidden since the owner made the side alley entrance the main one. One night, when Bianca and I ran into Hudson there, he told us about growing up in town, and that night, we stayed at the bar until after closing time. Talking, talking, talking. It became sort of a regular thing. Not only did Hudson have the privilege of staying at the bar while the owner (his uncle) closed up—he’d casually whip out a wood-colored pack of Caballero’s. Then take one out, put it in between his teeth and light it. He’d find wherever I was sitting, glancing at me while taking a drag. Then he’d smile and offer it to me.

I knew Bianca still went to the Barrel sometimes with some colleagues from the hospital.

I didn’t find it hard to make friends in college. Or so I thought. The students in my year were nice, but I didn’t have that connection with anyone. Bianca and I; we’re work hard, play hard. It seemed not many of my peers had that balance—it was either work hard or play hard. So I’d know who to call if I was looking for either, but only Bianca had both.

And then I had Him and lost everything.

As we’re heading out, Bianca stops and grabs my phone.

‘’What are you doing?’’ I ask, more alarmed than I mean to sound.

‘’Putting it on DND,’’ she says ‘’unless you want to leave it here?’’

I frown. ‘’It’s not staying here.’’

‘’Fine,’’ Bianca smiles sarcastically, then hands the phone back.

It’s a twenty-minute walk to the bar from Bianca’s apartment.

Granted, the bar’s alleyway entrance is creepy, but I’ve always loved the atmosphere here. Behind the bar, there are shelves lined with pretty bottles of whiskey I’ll never drink. There are burgundy booths placed against the brown wooden walls. We chose a booth close to the bar. Scattered across the floor are round tables with too few or too many chairs, and there's a fruit machine in the back. I forgot Friday night is karaoke night.

A couple of people who can only be college freshmen are singing Devil in Disguise by Elvis Presley with the most conviction I have ever seen.

I reckon I need something strong, so I order a double vodka soda. Now, I don’t want to promote drinking when you’re sad, but it sure does take the edge off!

We also order ‘girl dinner’, but don’t fool yourself. We eat.

The order consists of buffalo-style wings, a Caprese salad, and shrimp skewers for me. Bianca doesn’t like shellfish, so tater tots for her. And then some fried cheese bites and chili cheese fries. Tonight, Bianca makes extra sure I eat my half, fair and square.

‘’So…’’ Bianca starts when I’m halfway done with my drink ‘’have you thought about it?’’

‘’About what?’’ I answer, slowly sipping through my straw.

It’s pointless because I know she isn’t gonna let it go.

‘’Transferring back?’’ Bianca says, throwing me a small glare. But I know my best friend’s face, and I think it’s more desperation than anger.

‘’It’s still early enough in the year, but…’’ her voice trails off.

‘’Right,’’ I say. I have thought about it, and the thought process only gave me heart palpitations. ‘’What would I say to my parents?’’

More importantly, what would they say to me?
I have expertly dodged their phone calls. They just want to know if their daughter is enjoying her junior year. At her new school. Imagine their shock if they found out I had made this big of a mistake. Their only child followed her heart a little too much and is now questioning that. Regretting it, even. They’ve never had to worry about me before. Why start now?

‘’You could just ask them,’’ Bianca says.

‘’Maybe I’ve made my bed, and now I have to lie in it,’’ I say.

That seems like the only option—I know I can’t stay at her apartment forever. I hope I haven’t overstayed my welcome already. Bianca’s face falls, and so does what is left of my heart. How did I get here? How did I get here?

She reaches over the table and squeezes my hand. ‘’I don’t believe so. But you’ll always have me, whatever you decide. I’ll stop asking about it. ‘Cause we came here to have fun! Right?’’ She’s the most animated person, my best friend.

I breathe in and out and can’t help but smile. The waiter brings out our food in one trip, which is more than impressive.

‘’How many drinks before you’ll sing a song with me?’’ Bianca asks, wiggling her eyebrows at my almost empty glass.

‘’Oh, we’re not even near enough yet. We need shots. Multiple.’’ I laugh and slurp every last drop out of my empty glass.

Bianca hums disapprovingly.

‘’Don’t think you’ll get out of it. I’ll pull your ass up there puking and all,’’ she says.

The waiter clears our table and informs us ever so kindly that it’s bar service only from here on out. The rest of the restaurant is gearing up for a long evening. Tables are being moved, chairs scrape across the floor.

Bianca is telling me some circus-act-gone-wrong hospital horror story when she stops mid-sentence.

I follow her eye line and see a too-familiar frame. Hudson is heading directly toward us.

No, he’s heading to Bianca, at least initially because I spot a twinkle of surprise in his eyes when he sees me.

‘’Hey Bee, good to see you,’’ Hudson says to Bianca and hugs her. Then he turns to me. My heart is beating as if to show off that it’s still there. You might think it’s because of his lazy green eyes, but I must disappoint you. It is because of the prospect of having to discuss my life with someone other than Bianca. Hurling my girl dinner on the dance floor might be in the cards after all.

‘’Looks like we still go to the same places after all,’’ Hudson says, smiling.

I glance at Bianca, whose eyes are practically falling out of their sockets.

‘’I wasn’t planning on being here,’’ I say, not sure why I’m explaining myself. ‘’Can’t say no to karaoke night.’’

Bianca snorts a laugh, and I try to kick her under the table but can’t quite reach her, so it’s nothing more than a soft graze against her leg. This leaves her grinning viciously, and I hope Hudson doesn’t turn around.

‘’Bianca was just getting us a refill,’’ I say, eyeing her as stealthily but aggressively as I can.

‘’Yes! Can I get you anything, Hudson?’’ Bianca asks, and I regret my decision immediately.

‘’I’m just here to pick up a friend,’’ Hudson starts—relief washes over me.

‘’But his shift isn’t quite over. How about I’ll let him know I’m here, and get some drinks?’’

Bianca grins at him, then at me. ‘’I’ll have a beer, she’ll have a vodka soda.’’

Hudson nods and glances at me. ‘’Want lemon in that?’’

‘’You spoke to him? How? When?’’ Bianca whisper-shouts as soon as Hudson walks away.

I explain how I ran into Hudson at the park, word for word.

‘’Do you think he knows?’’ I ask.

‘’About the break-up? Maybe, but he would’ve said something,’’ Bianca says.

‘’Or he didn’t because he doesn’t want to embarrass me.’’ Because he pities me and my stupid decisions.

Bianca scoffs. ‘’Hudson never liked Him. He’d probably high-five you.’’

I chuckle, more so to be polite.

‘’I bet he’d punch Him in the face if you asked nicely,’’ she adds, then gasps dramatically.

‘’Perfect timing. He could be your rebound!’’ she says.

‘’Absolutely fucking not,’’ I say and laugh. Because even if I was hunting for a rebound, it wouldn’t ever be Hudson Brown.

And even though a rebound is the last thing on my mind, I entertain the thought longer than I should. Because I reckon He might jump in front of a train if my rebound was Hudson Brown.

Next: Part III

Author’s note: thank you so much for reading Part II! Loved it? Hated it? Let me know in the comments. Part III drops Tuesday April 29th!

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Trigger warning: this story has themes of toxic/abusive relationships and mentions of alcohol and drug use.

Copyright © 2025 Janilse Elizabeth

‘’You haven’t heard from him at all?’’ Bianca asks. I shake my head. As if there’s anything else I can think about—I’ve been checking my phone like a crazy person.

She knows I would’ve told her if I had. Perhaps she’s asking because it’s hard to believe.

Anyway, I really need to stop checking my phone.

I wipe my sweaty hands on the jeans I’ve pulled from Bianca’s closet, and my fingers trail up to my left wrist, to the bracelet with a four-leaf-clover pendant hanging from it.

‘’He’s an ass,’’ Bianca hisses. As she speaks, her foot weighs heavier on the gas pedal.

‘’Careful,’’ I say, feeling my palms get damp again.

She is already speeding a little, which could be caused by the topic of our conversation. Or maybe it’s because she’s running late for an exam, and I am the reason. I used to be an early riser; my best friend and I would meet up for coffee on campus. Now, I hardly ever wear something that isn’t considered pajamas. Today is my lucky day.

‘’I’m serious,’’ she says.

‘’Yeah, me too,’’ I return, choosing to ignore her undertone, adding: ‘’What do you think I should do?’’

The full weight of the question hangs in the air.
‘’I think you shouldn’t hide from him,’’ says Bianca.

‘’I’m not hiding!’’ I snap back, continuing to fidget with my bracelet.
A million buts and what-ifs run through my mind. ’’But I-’’

‘’Haven’t been outside in almost two weeks?’’ Bianca interrupts.

I glare at her and say, ‘’I don’t feel like running into him.’’ Or anyone.

The last time I was outside, I walked three miles in a summer storm.

Dragging behind me was a suitcase that had lost two of its tiny wheels.

I knew Bianca was at work and with her being a nursing student, who knew when she’d be back?

After what must’ve been hours, Bianca stepped out of her car, and when she saw me, she went through three phases:

Excitement, because her best friend was on her doorstep.

Confusion, because why did her friend bring baggage?

Alarm, because, well… I didn’t look that great.

Bianca’s suspicions were confirmed when we stepped inside her apartment because my face was stained by more than just rain. Tears. There were no words from Bianca then, just her arms wrapped tightly around me.

Now, Bianca inhales deeply or sighs, I can’t tell which, then carefully asks, ‘’Do you think you even want to go back there?’’

Heat rises up the back of my neck. Hell no.

‘’I don’t know,’’ I start. Because if she gets sick of me, I have nowhere else to go but a dorm room decorated with the cobwebs of my mistakes.

There’s a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I look at my best friend, who has taken care of me on top of everything else in her life. I need to focus on something else, so I check my phone, the screen of which is nothing but a selfie of Bianca and me. No notifications hide our faces.

The sound of air surging past the car as Bianca cracks open a window snaps me out of it.
I wish I could just disappear, open the car window a bit further and float away. Stop existing, except for fragments of me you’ll find in the pine trees.

‘’Just think about it, okay?’’ says Bianca.

But all I can think about is before, when I hardly ever had an hour to spare.

Before, I would insist on waiting for Bianca to finish her exams so we could go shopping or catch a movie. All I can do is compare it to after. Now is a reality where my best friend had to force me out of her apartment and into her car.

Regardless, I tell her okay, wish her well on her test, and we hug goodbye.

Summit Grove has a concentrated downtown area. Bianca dropped me off in the town square, so I can walk anywhere from here. I whip out my phone for the millionth time today.

It’s 11:23, and the sun is warm. For the first time in two weeks, pools of rain in the grass have returned to the air. So has the smell of hot concrete.

In the interim between before and now, the rain had been my salvation, my confidante. It fell from dark clouds that matched those hanging over my head.

Be that as it may, the sun always seems to scorch her way through even the darkest of clouds.

Fuck her for that—I happen to like my clouds.

So, the rising sun does nothing for me. I’m pissy because I feel like a toddler who has been put in time-out. Only, I’m twenty-one years old and ‘time out’ is ‘forced outside time’.

Higher Grounds, the local coffee shop on the corner of the square, has the best pistachio ice cream. I used to get a scoop every week, you know, before.

So the only thing I can do to at least make me feel less like a three-year-old is buy myself a snack, right?

As I inch closer to the door of the coffee shop, I glance at my reflection.

My dark curls suffocate in the tightly secured bun, frizz crowning my head. The pants I’m wearing hang loose on my frame, and the color of the tee is washing me out a bit.

I don’t recognize myself, and not only because I am wearing Bianca’s clothes.
The week Bianca and I met, we scoured all of the boutiques in town. Our style was like a uniform, casual and sporty. Versatile, I would say.

When He and I had been together for around two months, we’d been on plenty of dates.

Dinner and a movie, bowling and talking, talking, talking.

It wasn’t love yet, but with Him, time warped and reality escaped.

We went shopping together once—as far as women's wardrobes, we didn’t have the same taste. He liked florals on me and tulle. Dresses and skirts. I don’t dislike dresses and skirts. The prints and fabrics, though? Not really my style (an understatement), but there had been no off-hand comments or grunts or sighs at the sight of my wardrobe. Nothing to indicate the way things were heading.

‘’Just try it on, for me?’’ He asked, wrapping me in a hug from behind, his chin resting on top of my head.

That is so not me I thought, but He was so me. I wanted Him to be for me.

‘’Fine,’’ I said, giving the mannequin a stink eye. ‘’Just trying it on.’’

I had never seen Him look at me the way he looked at me when I exited the dressing room.

‘’You look so precious.’’

I twirled in the mirror, the dip-dye dress swaying as I did. Butterflies fought for their place in my stomach.

‘’You seem to love it, though. Don’t you?’’ He asked.

I shrugged. The butterflies weren’t fighting over the dress. ‘’It’s quite expensive though.’’

‘’Let me buy it for you as a gift?’’

I shook my head immediately.

‘’How about we find another dress, less expensive,’’ and less ugly, and please keep looking at me like that.

As He thought about it for a moment, I was already backing away to the dressing room.

He closed his eyes and smiled. ‘’Alright, Precious.’’

I guess He liked shopping with me. He’d pull stacks of clothes for me to try on, knowing I wouldn’t buy them. I’d put on private runway shows, and He lit me on fire with his icy blue eyes every single time.

Then came the day He gave me my first ‘gift’. He handed me a little blue bag, ribbon and all.

‘’What’s this?’’ I asked, genuinely surprised.

‘’Open it,’’ he said in anticipation.

My own anticipation evaporated as soon as the ribbon came undone. It was a dress, orange and made of polyester? My heart broke and shattered into a million pieces. This would be the first time I’d have to disappoint him—be honest. Then I looked at His face, all lit up, prompting all of my heart’s pieces to find their way back to each other.

I don’t know exactly how I got there because it’s all a haze, and now there is just after.

Thank God the coffee place is deserted. There’s only a waitress behind the counter, and I don’t recognize her. She turns down the radio’s static-y weather report and greets me with a smile. Her apron is burnt brown, honoring the coffee shop’s color scheme. Returning a smile as I order, I acquire a scoop of pistachio and go back outside.

I cross the square and head to the park. Even though my ice cream is melting fast, I can’t bring myself to take a bite. I feel on edge, like if I do, someone will jump out of the bushes and yell at me. Punch me out cold. I try to take a deep breath but can’t seem to fill my lungs more than two-thirds.

In the park, scattered humans stroll around, mini humans in tow—I sit down on a brick stone circle at the edge of the field.

I end up having a stare-off with the ice cream, and it’s winning. Nausea threatens my throat.

‘’Are you having a stare-off with your ice cream?’’ a familiar voice asks from behind me.

Every muscle in my body goes taut, even though I know it’s not who I dread it to be.

I turn around and see a boy I indeed recognize. His name is Hudson Brown.

I don’t know what to say because yes, even desserts are out to get me.

‘’Want a sip of water instead?’’ Hudson asks, offering me his water bottle.

‘’Thanks,’’ I say, taking the bottle. My heart is pounding in my ears.

I take one polite sip and quickly realize my mouth has gone Sahara dry, so I take two less polite gulps.

While I am losing all grip on reality, Hudson talks at me.

I try to catch my breath before asking ‘’I’m sorry, what?’’

‘’I actually came over to tell you you’re sitting in a fire pit because I don’t think you want to ruin your pants,’’ Hudson repeats.

I shoot up from the edge of the pit and wipe my hand over my behind. It’s stained with soot.

I take a deep breath—‘’Thanks’’ is all I manage to get out.

‘’It’s good to see you,’’ he says, his green eyes peering down at me. ‘’Been a while.’’

‘’Yeah, you too,’’ I say. Honestly, I wouldn’t even know when I saw Hudson last.

As freshmen at Summit College, Hudson and I took History 101 together. Summit Grove is Hudson’s hometown, but he was up in the dorms, like me. We run, I mean, we ran into each other at parties. I’ve helped him with assignments before. He has driven me places, lifted a heavy box for me once, that kind of stuff.

‘’How was your summer?’’ Hudson asks.

‘’Great,’’ I say, my voice high.

‘’All settled in at Sterling?’’ His question makes my bones rattle and my skin crawl.

I tear my eyes away from him and debate running away.

‘’You could say that,’’ I quip, trying my hardest not to clench my teeth because I’m lying straight through them.

‘’Well, I mean, congratulations. Sterling is what most would consider a step up.’’ Hudson continues, emphasizing the last word.

A laugh escapes me that Bianca would categorize as maniacal. Hudson doesn’t seem to notice because he smiles, too.

Hudson looks at the ground for just a second. I don’t know if it is doubt or knowing in his eyes when he looks up at me sporting a lopsided grin. I’m lost for a moment, wondering once more when I saw him last. More than a glimpse or a glance.

And what was I looking at, at that moment? His eyes? Or his mouth? It goes directly against the disgust that ran in my veins, confusing me.

‘’I bet Bianca misses her partner in crime,’’ he says.

I shrug in what I hope looks like agreement, ignoring the fact that I have been with her all week. And the week before that.

Hudson’s hands have been buried in his North Face body warmer during this entire conversation, until his left hand fishes something out. It looks like one of those impossible-to-get-off entrance wristbands.

‘’I hear the parties at Sterling are shit though. So if you ever crave a Summit Spectacle, you know where to find me.’’

I’m sure I feel my heart skip a beat, which is impossible because my heart is on the floor of my Sterling dorm room, somewhere between my bed and my nightstand.

‘’I doubt we go to the same places anymore,’’ I admit. The thought alone is enough to make me sad. I’m depressing and honestly surprised he’s still here talking to me.

Hudson’s eyes briefly scan the park. ‘’You’re here, aren’t you?’’

The corners of my mouth curl up. Or at least, it feels like they do.

‘’Right,’’ I say.

He then asks me to check if I still have the right phone number.

‘’Don’t be afraid to use it, okay?’’ he says and blinks. ‘’Just, if you need help with anything.’’

Does he know? asks a voice in my head that doesn’t sound like my own.

I nod. ‘’Thanks.’’

Hudson walks away, and I immediately check my phone. Not that I could have missed anything since it’s on HIGH volume.

Glancing at the cup of melted, spilled ice cream, I feel the same. Melted and spilled over my edges.

I wander through the park, careful to avoid people. Making left and right turns has me walking around in circles. After a while, I try sitting on a bench, but it makes my brain feel like it’s going to explode. My phone leaves my pocket once more.

Just when I press the home button, the phone pings. The sound alone is enough for me to lose my nerve—the phone crashes straight to the ground. For fuck’s sake. I want it to be broken about as much as I want it to be unscathed. When I finally pick it up out of the still-damp grass, I see it’s Bianca telling me she’s on her way. I text her back, saying I’ll be at the same spot she left me and walk back to Higher Grounds. Inside, the barista hands me a cup of water, and I walk towards one of the many empty tables.

Another ping. This time, the sound doesn’t get to me as much, but I still debate putting it on vibrate.

The feeling of dread is so quick in its return that I don’t understand how I thought I was without it. The ping is not Bianca.

An Instagram notification illuminates my phone’s lock screen. The notification is from @S_Dunbar53. His profile. First of all, fuck you—yes I still have my ex’s notifications on. And fuck you, because I wish I hadn’t. I click the button that I know will ruin my life.

@S_Dunbar53’s profile opens, followed by an Instagram story. Loud music starts playing before the people on the screen start to move. The back of a head with bright blond hair comes into my vision. People are cheering and hollering to a techno beat. The head on screen moves, and I clearly see that it’s Him.

I also see a shoulder? Nope, that’s a butt cheek barely covered by a teeny tiny bikini. The girl is lying horizontally on some surface. A bar? His head moves towards her belly button. Not just his head. His mouth, his lips, his tongue.

A body shot?

My heart goes from a trot into a gallop, and so does my mind. Is that today? Is that right fucking now?

It’s barely 1:15.

But what if…

It’s old?

No. No. No.

My hands get clammy and I’m thirsty for air. My brain has dropped into my stomach. My spleen is doing cartwheels.

‘’Sierra?’’ I hear Bianca call. When she finds me, I’m in the bathroom of Higher Grounds. I creak open the door of the bathroom stall I walked or stumbled into.

‘’What happened?’’

‘’He… He-’’ is all that makes it out through my broken sobs, but I persist, ’’I got-’’

Bianca lifts me off the toilet lid and guides me through the coffee shop to her car.

‘’It’s okay, I’ve got you,’’ she says. There’s no way the waitress isn’t staring because I’m actively hyperventilating.

Once we’re in the car, I hand Bianca my phone.

‘’The story,’’ is all I can manage to say.

Bee opens it, party sounds fill the car. Bile rises up at the back of my throat.

Bianca’s mouth all but falls open. ‘’Sierra, I’m so sorry.’’

Next: Part II

Author’s note: thank you so much for reading Part I! Loved it? Hated it? Let me know in the comments. Part II drops Thursday April 24th!

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